Understanding Your Attachment Style and Your Relationships

Understanding Your Attachment Style and Your Relationships

by Natasha Burma

Introduction to Attachment theory and a historical context 

Humans are motivated by their need to belong. But where does this need come from? Are we born with it, or is it something we develop?

Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth. Bowlby conducted research in the 1950s, with the purpose of understanding the nature of the bonds between children and their primary caregivers (Bowlby 1969). He established that there is a “physiological, emotional and survival need for a safe and nurturing relationship between caregiver and child” (Gehart, 2018).

Similarly, Benoit states that “attachment is where the child uses the primary caregiver as a secure base from which to explore and, when necessary, as a haven of safety and a source of comfort” (2004). Bowlby believed that the bonds we developed with our caregivers, sets the stage for how we interact, relate and connect with others throughout our lives and ultimately define what attachment style we have.

Importance of Attachment Styles

Attachment styles can be thought of in terms of patterns of behavioral and emotional responses. They are important and provide insight into human connections and emotional development. It provides an outline for how we interact in relationships and regulate our emotions. Additionally, attachment styles can be a powerful tool that helps individuals become aware of their relational patterns and pave the way to work towards healthier ways of connecting with others (Fraley & Shaver, 2000). As previously mentioned, attachment styles also influence parenting behaviors and parent-child development.

 The great thing about Bowlby’s attachment theory is that we can use it to conceptualize adult love. Gehart outlines 10 important tenets of Bowlby’s theory that can highlight the importance of attachment as well as explain why we do the things we do, especially in the context of relationships as well:

  1. Humans have a strong physiological need to be connected to others, which is intrinsic and hard to explain, but nevertheless an innate motivating force.
  2. Complete independence or over dependence is not possible. Rather, the goal is to be effectively dependent (not too dependent, not too independent). Gehart states that “secure dependence complements autonomy”
  3. Having a secure attachment can serve as a “buffer” against life stressors and measurably reduces the psychological as well as physiological effects
  4. “Attachment offers a secure base.” As adults, having a secure base enables us to feel free to experience, explore and express.
  5. Being emotionally accessible and responsive to our partners can foster secure bonds
  6. “Fear and uncertainty are active attachment needs.” When an individual feel threatened, their need for comfort and safety is triggered, and if this need is not met, it can result in destructive interaction patterns that can negatively impact relationships.
  7. If attachment needs are not met, there are “predictable” responses. Typical ones include: anger, desperation, clinginess, and despair.
  8. When an individual no longer feels secure in their relationship, they will engage in one of the following patterns to “defend themselves against the trauma of having a secure relationship threatened:”
  9. Anxious and Hyperactivated: when the individual’s needs are not met, they tend to “relentlessly pursue connection,” which typically results in clingy behavior, aggressiveness, blaming and/or being critical
  10. Avoidance: when the individual’s needs are not met, they tend to “suppress their attachment needs” and withdraws physically and/or emotionally by distracting themselves with other tasks
  11. Combination of anxious and avoidant:  This pattern is interesting because individuals will seek out that connection but tends to withdraw once it is offered.
  12. People use attachments to define themselves and others and develop “internal models” that outline their expectations in relationships and interactions in general
  13. The need to belong and connect is so strong, which is why “solitary confinement” is a form of torture and punishment. 

If you are interested in reading more about how Gehart conceptualizes Attachment Theory, be sure to check out her textbook: Mastering competencies in family therapy: A practical approach to theory and clinical case documentation. References will be listed below.

 

Types of Attachment Styles

Having set the stage of the historical context and importance of attachment styles, what are the different types? There are 4 main attachment styles: Secure, Anxious (Preoccupied), Avoidant (Dismissive) and Fearful Avoidant (Disorganized). Now let’s define each!

Secure Attachment:

Individuals with a secure attachment are characterized as being comfortable with both intimacy and autonomy. Securely attached individuals tend to find it easy getting close to others and are comfortable depending on others as well as having others depend on them (Levine & Heller, 2010). They feel confident in their relationships and are able to have a positive view of themselves and others.

Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment:

Individuals with an anxious attachment style seek high levels of closeness and reassurance from others, however worry about their partner’s ability to provide it along with their fear of abandonment causes them to become preoccupied and experience heightened levels of anxiety (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991).

 Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment:

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to value independence, autonomy and self-efficiency. Where the difficulty lies is how comfortable they feel with intimacy. For example, these individuals may distance themselves both physically and emotionally and feel that they are better off on their own (Levine & Heller, 2010). Oftentimes, these individuals may appear indifferent towards relationships and/or downplay the importance of relationships, which can make it difficult to form and maintain deep emotional connections.

Fearful Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment:

Lastly, individuals with a fearful avoidant attachment style feel conflicted about intimacy. For example, they may want to have close relationships, but also fear them, resulting in a “push-pull dynamic.” These individuals experience high levels of both anxiety and avoidance (Levine & Heller, 2010).

 

How do attachment styles impact relationships?

Let’s consider this question from a multifocal lens by considering the impact it has on communication style, conflict resolution, trust, emotional intimacy, perception of one’s partner, commitment, self-esteem and a person’s level of independence in a relationship. 

People with a secure attachment style tend to be open and honest when communicating; they approach conflicts constructively and can collaborate well with others. They are receptive to feedback and because they tend to have a more positive self-image, they approach relationships with openness, comfortable to share or be vulnerable and to trust others. They generally view their partners positively and have a strong sense of commitment and stability in their relationships. They can comfortably give and receive support.

 People with an anxious attachment style struggle with self-esteem and doubt their worth, making them clingy in relationships. They worry about trust and frequently seek reassurance. They may crave intimacy and feel anxious if they perceive it is lacking. Their behaviour, led by their heightened sensitivity to real and perceived flaws can impede trust and commitment in a relationship. It can also lead to emotional outbursts in dealing with conflict.  They are generally afraid of relational instability.

A person with an avoidant or dismissive attachment style may seem distant and tends to avoid emotionally heavy conversations, leading to them shutting down in conflict, which inhibits resolution. They have difficulty trusting, highly value independence and may resist deep connections in a relationship. This manifests as difficulty in relying on their partner, preferring to be self-reliant. They may view their partner more critically and have a more reserved approach to commitment. At times, they can appear to have an inflated sense of independence because their self-esteem is so high.

Being in a relationship with a person with a disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment style can be tricky to navigate because they often communicate through mixed signals, demonstrating the conflicted nature of their emotions or feelings, for example, they may desire closeness but they tend to push away from others. They want closeness but are afraid of it because of their fears of being hurt or abandoned. They may demonstrate mixed feelings towards their partner ranging from idealization to criticism. They may desire commitment but feel afraid of the responsibility involved in maintaining it.

The more we understand our attachment styles, the better we get at understanding its impact on our relationships. It has the potential to improve the quality of our existing relationships and protect us from pursuing new relationships that may bring increased difficulty later on. 

I highly recommend reading Levine and Heller’s book Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. It provides an in-depth exploration of attachment styles and how they “play out” in relationships. It also highlights areas for growth and development.

Want to know about your attachment style or your partner’s attachment style?Perhaps consider taking the Abbreviated Adult Attachment Questionnaire (AAQ) to learn more about yours and your partner’s attachment style.

Attachment styles and mental health

 Insecure attachments can lead to several mental health challenges, including:

  •   Low self-esteem
  •   Lack of confidence
  •   Heightened sensitivity to criticism or feedback
  •   Dysfunctional or unhealthy thought patterns.
  •   Anxiety (or anxiety disorders)
  •   Depression
  •   Personality disorders

Can unhealthy attachment styles shift towards a secure style? Can therapy help with this?

Absolutely yes!

Change begins with you as an individual before it can be transferred to your relationships with others. Focused self-development can occur through:

  •   Developing an awareness of your own emotions, thoughts, and responses to situations. Reflect on your attachment patterns and try to recognize insecurities that act as triggers that hinder your relationship.
  •   Practice strategies for regulating your emotions (self-soothing, deep breathing, walking, other mindful activities that’s relaxing or picks up your mood)
  •   Journaling your self-discovery progress
  •   Seek professional therapy or help for healing from attachment wounds or trauma

Fostering a secure attachment style in your relationships can look like:

  •   Listening attentively by being physically and mentally present.
  •   Practicing empathy. Empathy and attentive listening allow for attunement with your partner.
  •   Spend time together and build in novel or fun activities. Be intentional about connecting – make eye contact, hold hands, remove distractions.
  •   Develop conflict resolution skills by taking a course together
  •   Set and respect healthy boundaries
  •   Focus on the positive aspects of your relationships.
  •   There are several excellent book resources on the market that help couples foster a healthy relationship. Consider investing in a book or two.
  •   Seek couples therapy

As you can see, attachment styles are very important and can be informative to understanding yourself, your partner, friends and family. They influence our day to day interactions, how we view the world and how we engage in our relationships. If you are interested in hearing more about this, feel free to reach out or join me on Saturday, January 25, for my free workshop, Attachment Styles and Your Relationships on how attachment styles with a specific focus on relationships. You don’t need to be in a relationship to attend this workshop. 

 

Natasha Burma, a practitioners at our Burnsville office, provides in-person and telehealth therapy services. With a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy from Capella University, Natasha brings a global perspective shaped by living in South Africa, Qatar, Dubai, Beijing, and Singapore. She specializes in Solution-Focused Therapy, emphasizing clients’ strengths, and draws on Contextual Family Therapy to build empathetic connections. Natasha is passionate about supporting diverse clients, including families and couples navigating transitions or substance abuse, and has a particular interest in working with Third Culture Kids, offering unique insights from her own experiences.

 

 

References

 

Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). “Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226-244.

Benoit D. (2004). Infant-parent attachment: Definition, types, antecedents, measurement and outcome. Paediatrics & child health, 9(8), 541–545. https://doi.org/10.1093/pch/9.8.541

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Volume I. Attachment. New York: Basic Books. This foundational text outlines Bowlby’s initial theory of attachment, focusing on the importance of early relationships and their impact on emotional development.

 Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). “Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions.” Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132-154.

 Gehart, D. R. (2018). Mastering competencies in family therapy: A practical approach to theory and clinical case documentation (3rd ed.). Cengage. 

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love.

 

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